Sunday, September 27, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

i think it is safe to post this here,

i was doing this writing exercise in class. free-flow writing. write whatever that comes to your mind. it doesn't have to be connected. i think i would give it a try here again. and see how far i can go.

ok, good time for my brains not to think of stuff. oh well ... lets see, what i meant by saying, i think it is safe to rant things here, cos one i think this blog is dead. no one will come here and read this, well no one i know will read this la, well at least i hope so. it is safe to say, i hate u , u idiot. i love life, this is going to be an insane post, with no connection from one sentence to another, so the brains do not work in a linear line. so i can say what i want to say, when ever i want to say it. see i told u there is no connection what so ever. dear reader, if you are still reading this, i think you should stop reading. so i really do not want to waste your time. this is just me ranting, rant , rant. but here, if u are still reading, cool, dun kill me at the end of the post, cos it will not make sense what so ever. ok, i officially, dislike who i am now. hello, i am joanna. ok not that i do not like who i am now, but i think who i am now is just one stupid dumb dumb. well so i think la, i dun know. what do u think? i have been an idiot, ok the idiot i was talking about earlier is me, hahaha i am an idiot, cos i think i expect too much. and when i do not get what i expect, i get disappointed when i get disappointed, i get moody, and when i am moody, i transformed to be a person i do not really like, hence the ui have you phrase. i am angry with myself, i keep telling myself, why am i helping the person i am helping. why am i investing my time on this person, is it cos i want something back, i sure hope not. i know God has implanted this burden on me for a reason, but at time, i cannot help but be human, and be selfish a little. i sometimes want to see if wat i am doing is producing fruits or not. i do not see anything now. and i think it is far from wat i tot it would be. sigh ... sometimes i tend to think, i think i am hearing God wrongly. maybe i am wrong. but than again, there is wrong in helping someone out, even if they are ur student. well i am not saying, that this person is not worth helping. but it would be nice if sometimes things would go the way i tot it would be. i know, His ways aren't our ways, and His ways are always the best. i guess i need to trust Him a little on this. god help me. i dont want to have this feeling of disappointment no more in me. can i just be myself again. the question is, who am i ? what should i do, dear reader, if you are still reading this, what do you think i should do ? hahaha you must be wondering, what the hell am i talking about, tell story, tell half don't tell half, how to help ... hahaha how la to tell you the whole story. i also do not know how to tell you without exposing names. the person i am talking about is still a good person. but i think this person do not know what the is going on cos i didn;t say a word. but than again, by not saying anything , that should be a hint hor. hahah oh well, sometimes signs produce cannot be read. hahaha ... depending on how good the signal is, and how well the reciever is getting the signal. it can be a good sign but if the reader cannot read and understand wat the sign signifies, then there would be a communication breakdown. hahaha man now i am bring lessons from class here. anyways, ... i am still disappointed in you, and i am disappointed with myself. time out time out time out time out, i need a break, i need to earn more money, i need more time, i need this i need that. i need a lot of things, but most of all i need to know You more. i need to trust You more. i need to really really lay everything down to You and trust that you ate in control, not by just saying it, but living it. Help me. i hate who i am now, change me. let me not have expectation. let me walk away. let me give it to you. You who make all things perfect in Your time. so now, i leave this person i am thinking about to your hands. in Your time Lord. in Your time.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

reached my limit, cannot do this no more ... take over please

give me grace to walk away ...